Why I Used to Call Myself a Fat Ass
Warning: Adult Language
Please do not read any further if you are offended by adult language.
This was me at 262 pounds.
I was horrible to myself. I tormented myself by calling myself abhorrent names. I beat myself down, I persecuted and mistreated myself, and bashed myself. Without knowing it, I made it impossible to be anything other than fat.
Being on the other side of the fence now, I can see the truth. You know what they say about hindsight. God, it really is the truth. We could save ourselves so much heartache and pain if we could just know what's on the other side of the mountain. But life is not that way. The lessons present themselves as we move through our journeys.
Wisdom is not given, wisdom is earned.
I have a big message for any of you who treat yourselves badly like I did for so many years. I'm hoping you can pull away from this article a lesson that won't take you 10 years to learn like it did for me.
When I was over 260 pounds, I would constantly call myself names. Fat ass, lard ass, hog face, and hippo were just a few of the names I would degrade myself with on a daily basis. I didn't just call myself these names to myself, I called myself these names out loud in front of other people. Why did I do that? Well there's several reasons.
The first reason I'd call myself these terrible names was because that's how I saw myself. I hated what I saw in the mirror. Somehow subconsciously I guess I thought if I was mean enough to myself, I'd finally do something about it.
I was only sinking myself into a deeper depression, further defining myself as unworthy, and holding myself back from change. I was setting it in stone. I was the fat girl and that was my role. Why change it? Everyone knew how fat I was so why even bother? I know, it doesn't make sense. There's no logic involved. It's just something my sick, sad, and depressed mind told myself so that I had a reason to not try hard enough... to not put in the enormous amount of effort it was going to take to climb out of the giant hole I dug for myself.
With every name I called myself and with every negative thought I thought of myself, I fell further in that deep pit.
The Pity Pit
The pit where you hide and eat and wish for things to change but don't take any actions to make it happen. I lived in that hell hole for over 10 years. By the time I was ready to do something about my weight and my life, I had reduced myself to a scared, unconfident woman who walked around with her tail between her legs. I had bullied myself for so long, I had changed. I went from being this vibrant, confident, people-loving person to a wallflower who hid from the world and would have anxiety just going to the grocery store. God forbid I run into someone and they would see how fat I was.
It's funny how when you are obese you think other people give a shit about it. They don't. The most people might possibly do is take five minutes and indulge in the Hey-Guess-Who-Got-Fat? Convo. Seriously, that's it. And who cares?
People have their own lives, their own problems, and much more pressing thoughts on their minds than how big your ass is.
I wish I would've understood this years ago. I don't know how I thought I was somehow important enough in near-stranger's lives where they would give two shits about how big I was. But I really did. I was so embarrassed and humiliated. I would envision people talking about me around their dinner tables and at gatherings. I mean, come on Gabby, get a grip, no one cares! But when you're in a deep depression and you can't even move or tie your shoes and you just feel so bad about yourself, you have a very contorted and misconstrued way of thinking.
The second reason I would call myself names was to beat everyone to the punch. I figured if I called myself a fat ass to everybody I knew, they wouldn't have to. I'd get it out of the way and not have to worry about someone saying anything. OK, first off, What? What the hell kind of logic is this? Again, when you are not yourself and mentally depressed and in a low place, you do not think logically.
Nobody in my life that loved me or even kind of liked me or even was an acquaintance, was never, ever going to call me a fat name. You don't do that to people you care about. You don't even do that to people you don't like... unless you're a total asshole, and I don't hang out with total assholes.
Let's think about this for a minute. If there was by chance someone who happened to call me a fat ass or a lard ass or whatever, that person has no business being in my life. And quite honestly I don't even think that it would've hurt my feelings, I just think it would've pissed me off. For 10 years I worried so much about what people thought of me. Oh my God, did you see how fat Gabby got? How could she have let herself go like that? Now that I look back, who really gives a shit if people even did ask those questions? It only worried me then because I was consumed with my own morbid obesity.
I was the one who talked about myself. I was the one who called myself names. So I just assumed everybody else did too. Wrong.
The third reason why I would call myself fat names in front of people was to try to convince them I was okay with it, that I knew I was fat, and oh ha ha let's have a laugh about it and it doesn't really bother me.
How could I have ever thought for one second I was fooling anyone?
By me constantly calling myself names was the exact reason people knew I had a problem with myself! My God, I might as well had worn a big sign around my neck that said "I'm going to keep calling myself horrible fat names so you think it doesn't bother me, but I really cry myself to sleep every night."
Can you imagine how uncomfortable I made all these people all these years? I mean how do you respond to an obese woman who is calling herself a giant fat ass in front of you? You can't agree, you can't say "Oh, you're not big." (because you are), and you can't even acknowledge the comment really because then it'd turn into a full conversation that would be painfully awkward.
Words are dangerous. If you say negative words to yourself often enough, they become a part of your psyche. You incorporate them into who you are and they change you.
Be careful how you talk to yourself. You will do more damage to yourself than anybody else on this planet could ever do to you.
If you are overweight, I beg of you, start treating yourself with some respect and dignity. Don't do what I did and degrade yourself and make yourself feel less worthy than everybody else. Being overweight doesn't change who you are on the inside. Your outside might look different but what makes you you is still there. Don't kill who you are by bullying yourself.
Being on the other side of it now, I see these things clear as day. I wish I could take every name that I called myself back. I wish I would've treated myself with love and kindness.
NOBODY CARES IF YOU'RE OVERWEIGHT!
They love you just the same. And if you lose all of your weight, they will still love you just the same. And if you don't lose your weight, they will love you just the same.
It is preposterous to think that you will be a better person, be more lovable, and that you will be worth more if you are thinner. It's a ridiculous way to think. Unfortunately when you're the one lost in that dark place and feel so bad about yourself, it seems like logical thinking. But it's not. It's dead wrong.
Think of someone in your life right now who you care about that is overweight. Picture them in your mind right now. Do you think they are an unworthy person because of their weight? Would you love them more if they lost weight? Do you think they are a bad person because they have gained weight? HELL NO! And why not?
Because that would be friggin' ridiculous, that's why.
Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Encourage yourself. You just might find that if you start doing that, you won't turn to food for comfort as much. You'll turn to yourself... and gear up for change... and get stronger... AND BE HAPPIER.
...And nobody loves me any more because I lost my weight. I didn't believe that then but I know that now. Your weight is nothing but a number. It has no bearing on who you are as a person.
You are beautiful right now. STOP calling yourself names and start loving yourself.
This pic above was taken last week. I am 139 pounds and have been since I hit my goal weight almost 5 years ago. I can promise you I am no more worthy or special or lovable than I was when I was 262 pounds.
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